Fess-Up Brocklee!

I have some confessions to make.

First. I want to say that all of my friends are beautiful people.

Is it because they are beautiful that we are friends?

Or is it because they are my friends, that I find them beautiful?

Furthermore, there is something you may not know about me. And in fact I have a few issues as a human being.

One of which being. I do not take compliments well, at all. Why?

I grew up in a family where you were either told what you wanted to hear or you heard nothing at all. So when I find someone who compliments me, I don't know where to file it, or how to respond genuinely.

Next is, I don't fail well. Of course I don't know many people that do. But I may be the worst. I try so hard to please everyone, God, my friends, my family and then (finally) myself. And when I let one of them down, I find myself feeling worthless.

I don't feel that I show my humanity enough, But when I do, I feel I show too much of it. But the scariest thing is, that sometimes I don't get nervous at all, and it makes me very concerned. There are times where I don't feel fear, stress, or uncertainty at all, and that in itself distresses me. But when I do, it's harsh. I suppose I'd rather have a little more balance.

Perhaps the worst of it all: Is the fact that I'm a self-discourager. I see someone I want to get to know, or something I want to achieve, and the next second I will find three reasons why It won't work and why I should abandon all attempts.

But right now I find myself most frustrated at me inability to accept the every day. I have found myself hurt over a crush that I shouldn't even acknowledge, and discouraged by a relationship that I don't feel will happen in my lifetime. "But God has a plan, someone is out there for you" I know that. You can tell me that. I'll remember that. But I can't accept that today.

I've given my all this year. And I've enjoyed myself (maybe a little to much) But if there is one thing I find frustrating, it is the fact, that a man who can attract attention like war to Iraq...the times when I really want someone to notice me...I instead feel like I begin to disappear, little by little, until that person walks right by me without even a shift in their glance.

I wish I had a nice way to wrap up this blog. But for a change, maybe I'll just stop typing, and make myself seem mysterious. Here it is: An Enigmatic Ending!