Fess-Up Brocklee!

I have some confessions to make.

First. I want to say that all of my friends are beautiful people.

Is it because they are beautiful that we are friends?

Or is it because they are my friends, that I find them beautiful?

Furthermore, there is something you may not know about me. And in fact I have a few issues as a human being.

One of which being. I do not take compliments well, at all. Why?

I grew up in a family where you were either told what you wanted to hear or you heard nothing at all. So when I find someone who compliments me, I don't know where to file it, or how to respond genuinely.

Next is, I don't fail well. Of course I don't know many people that do. But I may be the worst. I try so hard to please everyone, God, my friends, my family and then (finally) myself. And when I let one of them down, I find myself feeling worthless.

I don't feel that I show my humanity enough, But when I do, I feel I show too much of it. But the scariest thing is, that sometimes I don't get nervous at all, and it makes me very concerned. There are times where I don't feel fear, stress, or uncertainty at all, and that in itself distresses me. But when I do, it's harsh. I suppose I'd rather have a little more balance.

Perhaps the worst of it all: Is the fact that I'm a self-discourager. I see someone I want to get to know, or something I want to achieve, and the next second I will find three reasons why It won't work and why I should abandon all attempts.

But right now I find myself most frustrated at me inability to accept the every day. I have found myself hurt over a crush that I shouldn't even acknowledge, and discouraged by a relationship that I don't feel will happen in my lifetime. "But God has a plan, someone is out there for you" I know that. You can tell me that. I'll remember that. But I can't accept that today.

I've given my all this year. And I've enjoyed myself (maybe a little to much) But if there is one thing I find frustrating, it is the fact, that a man who can attract attention like war to Iraq...the times when I really want someone to notice me...I instead feel like I begin to disappear, little by little, until that person walks right by me without even a shift in their glance.

I wish I had a nice way to wrap up this blog. But for a change, maybe I'll just stop typing, and make myself seem mysterious. Here it is: An Enigmatic Ending!

Year-End Collywobbles.

I haven't written a single thing in my blog in over two weeks.
I haven't decided if it is because I am just sloth-like and lazy,
or if I, for once in my life, had nothing worth saying.
And honestly. I'm still not sure.
As for now.
I wish I could say that I am feeling a second wind,
and a sudden burst of untapped energy and joy,
but unfortunately, I am still dragging.
Friendships I've invested lots of time in are starting to sink,
and others I've neglected are beginning to blossom.
And no matter how many time's I experience the Chaos of an Ending School Year,
I fear I'll never become accustomed to it.
People who seemed unbreakable, are shattered.
Tasks that seemed easy, are more burdensome then ever.
And my eyes which used to light up at the sight of a new face and opportunity,
Are growing heavier then ever.
And the question that comes to my mind,
Who's life am I living?
Because honestly.
I would trade the laughs, the attention, the respect, (or lack there of)
For a sweet-hearted girl who would give me a good conversation to enjoy,
and a soft hand to hold.